In the land of Hollywood rom-coms and Disney’s happily ever after, the vast majority of us expects and looks for romance. We want to be in relationships where we are safe to be, able to express ourselves, and feel like we belong.
No one ever taught us anything about relationships, whether romantic or otherwise. So what we know we tend to pick up from our families, cultures, movies, social media, etc.
The vast majority of what surrounds us defines a “good relationship” as full of “highs”: joy, love, and excitement. Good relationships bring plenty of adventure, constant emotional attunement, deep intimacy, matched life aspirations, and a safe container for life’s daily vagaries.
It is also implied that disagreements, disappointments, and pain are NOT part of what a “good” relationship is. That fights should be rare, disagreements unimportant, disappointments quickly forgotten or swiftly repaired.
As a result, we are all running around looking for, and expecting, “honeymoon-like” relationships with lots of “highs” and very few “lows”. And as soon as the honeymoon phase is over and life sets in, we start to think of our relationship as stale, boring, unsatisfying…in short, it stopped being a “good” relationship.
How did that happen? Were we wrong in our initial assessment? Did the other person change? Now takes us for granted? Did we change? Or is this where all relationship naturally end-up? Are relationships sustainable long term? After being humans for millennia, how come we still haven’t figured out this relationship thing?
Social sciences have now shown that all relationships are in constant flow between the three cycles of: “Harmony”,“Disharmony”, and “Repair” (See Terry Real). Whether we like it or not, acknowledge it or not, believe it or not, every relationship displays moments of harmony (highs), moments of disharmony (lows), and moments of repair (or lack thereof).
So may be the fault is not in our partners or our initial assessment. May be we were mistaken that these “lows” should not arise. We incorrectly believe that a “low” means that something is radically wrong, unfixable, and a real red flag. We tend to assume it is the begging of the end when in fact it is simply a natural phase of any relationship.
Social sciences have also shown that the “repair” phase is far more resiliency and intimacy building than the “honeymoon” phase. In other words, enjoy the honeymoon phase but that is NOT what will make your couple-ship stronger. Depth and solidity will arise in moments of repair and in the movement out of disharmony and back into harmony. Let’s let that sink in…as this is news for many of us.
With that in mind, I tell my couples:
- Enjoy the harmony
- By all means bask in it!
- Expect to fall into disharmony
- This is inevitable and a natural part of any relationship that is alive and thriving. This, in fact, is where strength and depth are born.
- Repair the disharmony
- Do not skip this phase. Even if you don’t know how to repair, make the attempt anyway. If need be, get some help. Lack of repair causes decay.
Now the workplace can take a page or two from this book. Team dynamics are at play all the time every single day. Concepts of team forming-storming-norming is one way that is often used to describe the above-mentioned cycle that plays out. Then again, we don’t speak much about the repair mechanisms that are needed for the “norming” to take place.
When was the last time you witnessed a workplace disagreement? Or were at the receiving end of a passive-aggressive comment? How did you handle it? Or did you, in fact, handle it? Were there any structures or processes in place to help guide you? Does the culture implicitly imply repair one way or another? What does the culture implicitly or explicitly elicit you to do? Escalate? Deescalate? Remain neutral?
The parallel guiding principles here would be for teams to:
- Enjoy team honeymoons and smooth sailing
- Expect to fall into team disagreements as a natural cycle of a living organism
- Repair conflicts as they arise and do NOT skip this step
No one gets around living this life without relationships. They are a source of enrichment like no other. And yes, they are a source of what we may perceive as “conflicts” too. But what we may see as a “conflict” today often turns into a “lesson learned” tomorrow. Perhaps will come a time when we will welcome these conflicts as they arise because we implicitly know they have jewels in them.
Let’s collectively enjoy the highs, expect the lows, and be kind to each other as we repair.